Chad Miller believes in intentional parenting — and helping the good traits carry forward to his children and the bad traits with him.
How often do you tell your children, “Do as I say, not as I do”?
My son recently asked why “stupid” is a bad word. My response was simple enough. I explained to him that it’s a negative word, and using negative words aren’t helpful.
“But, Dad, you say stupid… a lot.”
Crap. Yes, I do say “stupid” a lot. This was definitely one of those parenting moments where I wanted to tuck my tail and demand, “Do as I say, not as I do!”
I explained to my son that I’ve created some bad habits, and some of the words I use are because I’ve said them so many times. I admitted that I say bad words, and I’m going to do my best to choose better ones. For instance, instead of saying, “That’s stupid,” I’ll say, “That wasn’t very smart.”
I’ve done a lot in my life that wasn’t very smart. Some of the habits in my life have created undesirable circumstances that affected not only me, but also my family. True enough, I’ve done a lot of really good things too, and it’s those moments that I hope define how people think of me. More importantly, as a parent, it is my desire that the good traits carry forward to my children and the bad end with me.
If I’m honest, though, I don’t want my children to be better than me. It’s not that I don’t want them to be great (of course they’re going to be great), but when we say we want our children to be better than we are, aren’t we just giving ourselves an excuse to slack off? Aren’t we attempting to create a free pass for ourselves and telling our children to do as we say, not as we do?
By saying that we want our children to be better than we are, we admit that we know right from wrong, we understand how to live an ethical and moral life, and we understand accountability and consequences – we just choose not to live our lives in a manner that meets those standards.
I don’t want my children to be better than me because I want to be better for my children. I want the actions in my life to reflect back on them a man who understands the importance of taking ownership of his decisions and learning from his mistakes. I want them to understand there is growth when navigating adversity and hardship, even when the genesis of the adversity and hardship may be their own misguided decisions.
Perhaps how one faces a struggle head on shows more about their character than the person who runs from or denies their missteps. I hope that my children will learn how to approach their battles with poise and humility, and come out the other side with dignity intact. I have a lot to learn about this myself right now. By chance, you may too.
I’ll revisit the mistakes I’ve made as my children get older. I’ll share with them the lessons I’ve learned, the growth I’ve experienced, and hopefully they’ll avoid the pitfalls I’ve fallen prey to. But, when they make their mistakes – and they will – the one thing I pray they will have learned from me is to take ownership, face the consequences, learn, grow, and continue to passionately and vulnerably pursue humility and servant leadership.
In the end, if I’ve done my job as a Dad, my children will be better than me. I hope it’s in the moments that my children are doing really good things, that define how they think about me.
How will you teach your children to be better in spite of the mistakes you’ve made? Will you simply tell them to do as you say? Or, will you show them that you have the courage to reconcile your faults? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
Originally published on ReWritingDad.com
photo bruceberrien / flickr
The post I Don’t Want My Children to be Better Than Me appeared first on The Good Men Project.
